Indie English

Gender in English

2010-09-06T22:55:00.004+02:00

One of the most difficult things for English speakers learning German is the use of gender. English has one gender, and German has three, which is one more gender than humans have.

The genders in German are the masculine “der”, the feminine “die”, and the neuter “das”. I was very sad to learn that my name, “Brett”, is in German a “das” word, and that I have no gender in this country.

Every noun in German has a gender. It seems to be very important to Germans that everything in the world is male, female, or like me, neither. The fork is a girl, the spoon is a boy, and the knife is neither. This is very strange. If any of these things should be a boy, it’s the knife. But Mark Twain has already discussed this.

What’s more important for you is to understand how English speakers think of gender. It’s quite different.

1. Things do not have genders.

This should be obvious. In English, we only have one definite article, “the”, and one indefinite article , “a/an”.

The pronouns “he”, “she”, and “it” are very easy to use. Just follow these five rules:

If it has a personal name and a penis, use “he”
If it has a personal name and a vagina, use “she”
If it has a personal name, but you’re not sure if it has a penis or vagina, be very careful.
If it is a guitar, boat, or car that belongs to a man, and the man really loves it, you can use “she”.
If it doesn’t have a name, use “it”.

So, pretty easy. Hopefully you didn’t learn too much there.

2. Your friends.

I have never had a boyfriend. This is because I’m not a homosexual. I’ve had friends who are boys, and friends who are men, but never a boyfriend. The words “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” only describe romantic relationships.

Some women, most of them American, will use “girlfriend” to talk about their female friends, usually when they’re talking about a group of friends. For example: “Last night some I watched 'Twilight' with some girlfriends. Then we ate ice cream and had a pillow fight.”

Don’t say this. It’s for native speakers only.

If you’re talking about a person you like who you do not have a romantic relationship with, say “My friend, Lynne” or “a friend of mine”.

So:

Friend = non-romantic

Boyfriend = romantic

Girlfriend = romantic

One more note: “partner”, at least in

America

, is usually used for a romantic relationship between two homosexuals (or a business relationship). So be careful with this word, especially if you, or the people you are talking to, are homophobic.

3. Jobs and nationalities.

I am an English teacher. My colleague, Liz, is also an English teacher. In English, we use the same word, “teacher” for the job we both do. It doesn’t matter that I have a Y-chromosome and Liz doesn’t.

In English, we try to look past gender when talking about jobs. The only jobs I can think of that have different words depending on if the person is a man or a woman are these:

Waiter/waitress

Actor/actress

Hooker/gigolo

But even in these jobs, the recent trend has been to use the same word, like “server”, “actor” and “hooker”, whether the person is a man or a woman. In the past, we called a female flight attendant “stewardess” and a male flight attendant “steward”. But now, everybody’s a flight attendant.

You might wonder, how will people know if I’m talking about a man or a woman? Well, they won’t. Because they won’t really care. They also won’t know if the person is black or white, or gay or straight. If it’s important at all, it will become clear at some point, because you will have to use a word like “he” or “she”, or maybe the person’s name.

4. The German word “man”.

This translates formally to “one”, but more often, we just say “you”. As in, “you are what you eat”.

5. “They”.

Normally we use the word “they” when talking about a group of people that we are not a part of. But it has another use. If we want to talk about a hypothetical person, we can use “they” instead of “he/she” or the more sexist “he”. For example:

“If I find out who ate all my Pringles, I’m gonna kick their ass!”

It’s much more elegant than “If I find out who ate all my Pringles, I’m gonna kick his or her ass!”

Some and any

2010-02-07T21:22:00.000+01:00

“Some” and “any” are difficult words for some people to use correctly, because they don’t really translate directly into German. The typical mistake is that Germans overuse the word “any”.

The major difference between “some” and “any” is that the word “any” has no limits to it. For example:

I’d like something to drink.

Here, I’m a bit thirsty, and want some milk, or maybe a beer, or maybe a cocktail. I’m not saying what I want, but I have something in mind. Something a bit specific.

I’m so thirsty I could drink anything.

This means there is nothing I will not drink. Blood, piss, cum, Holsten. Anything.

So that’s the big difference. That’s why we say

I have something to tell you.

And not

I have anything to tell you.

That second sentence doesn’t make sense. If you want to talk to me, it’s because you have something to say. Something specific. Not just “anything”

So most of the time, we use “some” in positive sentences. With the word “not”, we have to use “any”.

I don’t want anything to drink.

Again, there is the idea of no limits. There is NOTHING out there that I want to drink.

We'll come back to this another time, I'm sure, but for now, again, "any" has no limits at all. In fact, it often translates to alles in German. And to make it even simpler, "some" is the word we use for positive statements most of the time. "Any" is usually used for negative statements.

Present perfect vs past simple (Part 2)

2010-02-03T12:39:00.001+01:00

Some more general guidelines for this.

1. This is nothing at all like German.
There is absolutely no connection between German and English grammar on this point. None.
Ich war noch niemals in New York would translate to "I've never been to New York."
Gestern Nacht habe ich zu viel getrunken would translate to "I drank too much last night."
Sometimes they are the same, often they are not. There is no real way to connect the two languages on this point.

2. Again, we use the past simple MUCH more often.

3. Whenever you use a word that describes the past, or there is a clear finished time being discussed, you have to use a past tense.
As I wrote yesterday, words like "yesterday" and "last week" are used with the past simple most of the time. They are never used with the present perfect. Never.

4. With the present perfect, we usually don't know or care about when it happened.
If I tell you "I've been to Paris three times", we don't care when I went. The point is "yes, I've been to Paris. Three times in fact."
If I say "I went to Paris three times," this sounds strange, because with the past simple, we expect to have an idea of the time being discussed.

Okay, that's all for now. I have to go teach this very thing to a class.

Okay, some tenses. Present perfect vs. past simple

2010-02-02T23:49:00.001+01:00

I’ve waited a while to do this, because it’s not really that important. But here we go.

My favourite band is a group called Laibach. I’ve seen them eight times.

I’ve seen them eight times.

That’s the present perfect. You have the word have/has, and then the third form of the verb. This is the present perfect. We use it to talk about finished actions that took place in an UNFINISHED time. The eight concerts are all finished, but Laibach still exists, and I can and will see them again. Also, I’m not dead. So the only times we’re talking about in this sentence are unfinished.

Here’s another example:

I’ve smoked 20 cigarettes today.

The 20 cigarettes are all finished, but I’m still alive (barely) and the day isn’t over, and I can smoke more cigarettes.

I’ve never met President Obama.

Again, I’m still alive, President Obama is still alive, so there’s no finished time discussed here. Maybe I’ll meet him someday.

There are some key words for this tense of course. For example:

So far

Have you ever…?

Still (in sentences with “not”, for example: “Shit, I have class tomorrow and I still haven’t done my homework.”

Yet (in questions and sentences with “not”, for example: “Shit, I have class tomorrow and I haven’t done my homework yet” or “Hey, asshole. Class is tomorrow. You haven’t done your homework yet?”

Already (this word has one meaning: “sooner than expected”. Yes, normally it translates to “schon”, but not always.

Just (in British English)

But more importantly, let’s talk about the past simple. We use it much, much more often. We use the 2^nd form of the verb, and in questions and sentence with “not”, we use the helping verb “did” with the infinitive.

So, for example.

I saw Einstürzende Neubauten twice.

Einstürzende Neubauten don’t exist anymore, unfortunately, so that’s a finished time. We use the past simple for finished actions that happen in finished times. Another example:

I smoked 30 cigarettes yesterday.

Yesterday is finished. I can’t smoke any more cigarettes yesterday.

I never met Ronald Reagan.

Ronald Reagan is dead. (yay!) I will never meet Ronald Reagan.

Because he is in hell.

Some keywords for the past simple:

Yesterday

Last night, last week, last month, last year

Ago

When ("When I was a kid...." or "When did you go to Poland?")

In 1981 (or any other year before 2010)

Just (American English)

That’s it for now, but there is a bit more to this. It will come later.

Things more important than tenses. #1: False Friends (Part 4)

2010-02-01T00:10:00.001+01:00

More false friends, and other words that aren't really false friends:

1. will / will

Very simply, "I will" is something we use for the future, and ich will means "I want" or "I want to". That's it. Don't forget it. If I can get this right in German, you can get it right in English.

2. consequent(ly) / konsequent

These words have nothing to do with each other. The German word konsequent means "consistent". Our word "consequent" or "consequently" has a completely different meaning. Usually something like folglich.

3. critic / Kritik

The German word Kritik never translates to "critic". A critic is someone who watches films or concerts, or listens to albums, and then writes something to tell you what he thinks about it. Usually they give the film, concert or album some kind of score, like four stars, or two stars. That's a critic. A critic is also someone whoe doesn't like something, or someone.who consistently doesn't like something. So someone who doesn't like Barack Obama's health care plan would be a critic of the health care plan.

A Kritik would be a review or a criticism. A review is when a critic writes about a movie and then gives it four or five stars. A criticism is a negative comment someone makes about Obama's health care plan.

4. menu / Menü

The English word "menu" is a Speisekarte. The German word Menü is a "meal" or a "dish". Please don't confuse these.

5. notice / Notiz

In English, the noun "notice" is something we write for a group of people. I can write a notice, put in on the wall, and everyone reads it. A Notiz is something else. It's usually a NOTE I write for myself, or for one other person. Again, a "note" is something I write for one person, and a "notice" is something I write for everyone to see.

Words you should use correctly: #2 haven't, hasn't

2010-01-31T23:36:00.001+01:00

Okay, another short post.

These two words, “haven’t” and “hasn’t”, exist for only one reason: as helping verbs for the present perfect form. They are not the negative forms for “have”.

“I haven’t an umbrella” is not correct. Well, it’s old-fashioned, it’s possible, but you should normally say “I don’t have an umbrella”.

This all gets uglier with the verb “have to” (müssen), and people start saying things like “I haven’t to work tomorrow”. This is just completely wrong, and it always has been. It just doesn’t mean anything at all.

Please, please, please try to remember this. It will save everyone a lot of trouble.

Synergy!

2010-01-30T22:56:00.002+01:00

This is just something silly I wrote for my other blog. It's about English, sort of. It's really just about the alphabet.

http://thereareworsethings.wordpress.com/

Bad words to use when you can't use bad words

2010-01-28T00:04:00.002+01:00

My family are all fundamentalist Christians. That's no fun. And when they're around, if I want to call someone a "shiteating cuntface" (Scheißefressendes Fotzgesicht?), I can't. So I have to use other words to replace the old favorites like "shit" and "fuck". Here's a brief guide.

DARN

This means "damn". English speakers use the word "darn" if they're pussies, or if they're surrounded by pussies. It has the exact same meaning.

SHOOT

This means "shit", but normally only when we make a mistake. Like if I hurt my toe (Zeh) somehow, and my mother is in the room, I'll say "shoot!" Actually, I'll probably say "shit!" and then apologize. But some people say "shoot".

But not me.

FREAKING

We talked about the word "fuck" a couple of weeks ago. If you're a pussy, or spend a lot of time with people who are pussies, "freaking" is a good friend. Instead of saying

Mario Barth is the most unfunny fucking fuck I've ever heard.

you can say

Mario Barth is the most unfunny freaking....uh, guy I've ever heard.

It's not the same, I know, but that's what we do.

So, if you have religious, English-speaking in-laws, now you know how to handle them. See you Friday.

Pronunciation

2010-01-26T01:03:00.003+01:00

English is well known for its words that don’t sound the way they look. It’s really not that bad, as most of our words sound the way they look, but we do have more exceptions than most languages.

This is one of the reasons

America

has spelling bees. A spelling bee is a contest word children are told words, and they have to spell them. Because we have lots and lots of words that don’t sound the way they look.

But there are some general pronunciation errors that Germans seem to make constantly, so it would be a good idea to look at some of them. It’s hard to discuss pronunciation on a blog, but I’ll give it a try.

B, D, G

German speakers probably don’t think about this much, but the letters "b", "d" and "g" sound different in German, depending on where they are in a word, especially at the beginning and tend.

The “g” at the end of Tag doesn’t sound like the “g” in gut. The “g” in Tag sounds more like the “k” in Kind. Not exactly, but close enough. Try it yourself.

The “d” at the end of Bad doesn’t sound like the “d” at the beginning of Dieb, but more like the “t” in Tag.

The “b” at the end of Dieb doesn’t sound like the “b” in Bad, but more like the “p” in Person.

In English, we don’t do this. The “g” in “dig” sounds like the “g” in “good”. The “d” in “bad” sounds like the “d” in “down”. The “b” in “pub” sounds like the “b” in my name, “Brett”.

It’s important to remember this, because it’s probably the most overlooked pronunciation mistake German English-speakers make. It can change the word you’re saying, and can also lead you to spell words wrong. Most of my students think my name is “Brad” and not “Brett”, because to them the words sound more or less the same. But not only is the vowel sound different, but so is the sound at the end. The difference between the English pronunciation of these letters is that we use our voice to make them, all the time. When these letters come at the end of German words, the sound a bit airy.

G, C

These letters can make two different sounds. I think it comes from French.

When “g” is followed by the letters “e”, “i” or “y”, it normally makes the same sound as “j”. The rest of the time, it usually sounds like the “g” in “gun”.

For example.

gentlemen

strategic

gym

There are some exceptions, but they’re mostly common words like “give” and “get”. But you know most of them.

When the letter “c” is followed by “e”, “i” or “y”, it usually sounds like an “s”. For example:

cent

civil

decency

The rest of the time it sounds like the “c” in “cat”, and there are very few exceptions. I actually can’t think of any at the moment.

V, W

I don’t understand this problem, but most Germans seem to do it. Germans like to make the “w” (as in “water” or “win”) sound when they see a “v”. I think it’s like “-ing”, where the German thinks that the more they say it, the more English they sound. But no.

The letter “v” sounds like the German word wie. But I constantly hear Germans say “wisitor”, which is not a word of any kind, instead of “visitior”.

This isn’t a big problem at the beginning of a word, but when you say “innowation”, which is not a word, instead of “innovation”, I might have to think for half a second, and if you’re still talking, I’m not listening, I'm trying to figure out the last word you said.

Silent letters

We have a lot of letters that hang around and don't do anything. Here's a quick list.

1. If you see a word that ends with "mb", you don't say the "b". Here are a few examples.

bomb

limb

numb

thumb

lamb

comb

Don't say the "b" in any of these words.

2. The "p" in "ps" is silent.

psycho

psalm

psychiatrist

3. The "k" in "kn" is silent.

knee

knead

know

4. The "b" in "debt" and "doubt" are also silent.

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So, there it is. If you have problems with any of these three things, try to pay more attention. Again, it’s very hard to explain all of this in writing, but I hope you were able to follow it…. As I think I mentioned before, singing along with whatever English music you listen to would be helpful….

Things more important than tenses. #1: False Friends (Part 3)

2010-01-23T23:47:00.003+01:00

Again, these aren't all really false friends. Some of them are. The others are more like common mistakes.

1. Control
This word does not normally translate to kontrollieren. To control something is to have power over it, and to make it do what you want it to do. If you want to say kontrollieren, the English word is normally "check".

2. Under
Okay, the word unter usually translates to "under", but usually only when talking about a physical location. If you spent your weekend unter Freunden, then you were "among friends", not under them. If you were under friends last weekend, that has a very different meaning, and I think we should become friends.

So, Warsteiner (eine Königin unter den Bieren) is a queen AMONG beers. Not under them. Of course, Rothaus Tannenzäpfle is a KING among beers anyway. Mmmm...Tannenzäpfle....

3. Become
Okay, as I pointed out in the first post in this series, most of you know that "become" does not mean bekommen. It means werden. You should know that. But I thought it'd be a good chance to talk about how werden translates into English.

Of course, sometimes it translates to "will", which is a complicated thing we'll talk about in the future. And sometimes it can translate to "be", when you're using passive forms. But the normal meaning of werden translates into English in three different ways. There are exceptions, as always, but here are some nice general rules for how to translate werden.

a. "become"
We use this for nouns. You can become a millionaire, you can become a Muslim, you can become an architect.

b. "get"
We use this for adjectives. You get sick, you can get rich, you can get bored. It is possible, though not as common, to say you became sick. But you definitely can't translate werden to "get" with nouns. You can't really "get a millionaire".

c. "turn"
This one is easy. We use "turn" when we talk about age or color. I turned 28 last year. I turn red when I'm embarrassed.

4. Sensible
The German word sensibel translates to "sensitive" and never to "sensible". Never. "Sensible" means vernünftig or sinnvoll.

5. Until
The German word bis normally translates to "until", or sometimes "to". But it can also translate to "by" when you're talking about deadlines. This is very important.

If I tell you "I need that report by Friday", it means I don't have the report now, and that I don't need it Monday or Tuesday, but starting Friday, I need to have that report. Spätestens Freitag.

If I say "I need that report until Friday", it means I have it now, and I need it from now to Friday, but after Friday I don't need it anymore. It's a grammatically correct sentence but has the opposite meaning of the other one. Making a mistake with this, especially in a business context, can be a very serious mistake.

B--LITZKRIEG!

2010-01-21T00:52:00.012+01:00

So, I just got back from Berlin. That's why there have been no updates here for about a week. I want to move there some time this year, but I’m not looking forward to finding new work. Right now I have a good contract at a good school, and I’m not looking forward to going freelance again.

In my freelance days, I taught at five schools at different times. Some were good, some were bad, for both teachers and students. But it's all fun, because you meet a lot of people. Teachers, students, and for a couple of months, Tokio Hotel. And of course, all of these schools, even the good ones, had at least a few bad teachers. And those people are hilarious. But we’ll talk about that more later.

When I’m sending CVs, I try to avoid really big chain (Kette/n) schools. I do this for a few reasons:

- They’re usually more expensive than smaller schools and usually have the same freelance teachers you can get at other schools. That extra money you pay is really because of the brand. I don't really want to be a part of that.

- I worked at a school once (a big chain) where after a ten week course, I had to raise the competence levels of all my students who came to class more than 70% of the time. This was to make the corporate clients happy. (Just to be clear, this school was not Berlitz. I have never worked for them. And I never will.) But I have heard about at least one other big chain does this as well. But I can’t remember what they’re called. They’re a REALLY big chain though. If only I could remember their name.....

- There’s one school out there that forces their teachers to teach directly out of their own book. It’s part of their branding. They have a very, very famous brand, and some of their “teachers” are just English speakers who want to travel, or who have boyfriends/girlfriends in other countries. They don’t pay very much, so that seems to be the best option for them. I would love to just name the school, but I don’t want them to sue (verklagen) me. They like to sue people. Even their own teachers, if those teachers use material from their amazing books for private lessons. But I think if you’re doing business with this school, you know who I’m talking about.

Anyway, hopefully I can find some work in Berlin, because I love the place. Of course, I won’t send any applications to Berlitz. Just speaking for myself, I would never, ever want to work there. I wouldn’t want to be forced to teach directly from their own book, Also, it seems they don’t pay very much, and I don’t want to pimp their brand. But that’s only my subjective opinion, based on things I’ve heard from a very large network of English teachers.

Things more important than tenses #3: Word order (Part 2)

2010-01-12T00:53:00.008+01:00

We've covered the basics already, and today we’ll talk about some of the uglier stuff about word order.

ADVERB PLACEMENT

Let’s look at some of the different places we can put adverbs. It won’t be so bad.

1.At the very beginning of a sentence
When we do this, the adverb is there to affect the entire sentence.

BRETT: I’m tired of my DVDs.You have anything I can borrow?

LYNNE: You like comedy, right? Perhaps you could try this Mario Barth DVD.

BRETT: Actually, I’d rather drink myself to sleep.

In the above example, “perhaps” and “actually” are there to affect the tone of their entire sentences.

We can also put adverbs describing when we do something at the beginning, though the usual place is at the end.

2. At the end of a sentence
After the SUBJECT – VERB – OBJECT construction, we can have some adverbs for describing how, where and when we do something. And the adverbs should normally come in that order.

We met briefly at Lynne’s party last week.

Here, “briefly” describes how we met, “at Lynne’s party” is where we met, and “last week” is when we met.

This would be the safest way to put the sentence together. You could say “We met briefly last week at Lynne’s party” as well, but this is partially because “last week at Lynne’s party” could all be considered the time.

3. In the middle of a sentence
This is the most complicated one.

The first thing to remember is that adverbs usually come before the word they’re affecting, and very often come before the main verb. Just like in that sentence: “often” was before “come”, and “very” was before “often". This is especially true with general adverbs like “only”, “really”, “just” and “probably”. It’s also the safest place to put frequency adverbs like “always”, “usually”, “often”, “rarely”*, “hardly ever”*, and “never”. Many of the adverbs that can go to the beginning of a sentence can also go here.

I really love Pringles.

I just ate an entire can of them.

I hardly ever cook for myself.

These adverbs could not go anywhere else in the sentence.

The rule is different if the verb is “to be”. Then the adverb usually comes after the verb.

I am really tired.

He was probably drunk.

Things get a little more confusing when there’s a helping/modal verb like “don’t”, “didn’t”, “can’t”, “won’t” or “haven’t”. Here, it’s still usually best to have the adverb before the main verb. But it really depends what word you’re trying to emphasize. For example:

I don’t really like Mario Barth. He’s not really funny.

Here, with the adverb before the main verb “like”, it’s clear that I’m not a fan of Mario Barth. But if I say this:

I really don’t like Mario Barth. He’s really not funny.

This is a much stronger statement, and also a true one. I REALLY don’t like Mario Barth. He’s REALLY not funny. That’s a lot different than just saying I don’t REALLY like him. That could mean that I like him a little bit, or that he doesn’t bother me. But the truth is, he really bothers me. He’s incredibly unfunny.

The placement of the adverb, which again, is usually based on what word you want to emphasize, can even change the meaning of the adverb. For example, look at the word “just”. “Just” can mean einfach, nur, gerade, or “äh?”

“just” as einfach:

I just can’t eat French food.

This means I simply cannot eat food from France.

I can’t eat just one Pringle. I always have to eat the whole can.

Here, I can’t eat ONLY one Pringle.

I’ve just finished my latest blog article.

Here, “just” is affecting “finished”, and means gerade.

There’s another common place for adverbs in the middle of the sentence, and that’s after the object. Adverbs almost never come between the verb and the object. Again, English word order normally goes like this:

SUBJECT – VERB – OBJECT – how? – where? – when?

So here we’re talking about the “how?” part. Here is the earlier example again:

We met briefly at Lynne’s party last week.

There’s no object in this sentence. But we could also say it this way:

We met each other briefly at Lynne's party last week.

Here, the object is "each other", and "briefly" should come after it.

He speaks English really well, but his Spanish is crap.

Here, the object is “English” and the how-word is “well”. It’s important to remember that “well” and “badly” are almost always in the how-position. This is actually the safest place to put adverbs that are describing individual verbs. The general adverbs like “just” and “really” normally have to go before the verb, but more specific adverbs like "well", "badly", “slowly” and “fast” really belong here.

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Okay, last point on word order for now, and it has nothing to do with adverb placement. Take a look at this example:

MAX: What is that?

BRETT: I don’t know what that is.

It’s a very common mistake to say something like “I don’t know what is that.” This sentence doesn’t work. You can only say “what is that” at the beginning of a question. This isn’t a quesiton, and it’s not the beginning. So this is also incorrect:

Do you know who is that?

The question part is at the beginning: “do you know”. The “who that is” part shouldn’t be said as a question too. That would be doppelt gemoppelt.

Okay, enough grammar for now. We’ll try to do something lighter next time…..

*"Rarely" and "hardly ever" both translate to selten, of course. Just wanted to mention that nobody really says "seldom" anymore. I hardly ever say "seldom".

PS: kbfr, "routinely fail" and "routinely fail" are both okay.

Things more important than tenses. #1: False Friends (Part 2)

2010-01-10T23:26:00.006+01:00

Five more false friends. Well, a couple of them aren't really false friends.

1.Chef
Okay, you should probably know this one. The German word Chef means "boss". Full stop. There is almost no time when the German word Chef should be translated to anything but "boss".

The English word "chief" normally means "most important", "main", "primary" or "major". Or in German, Haupt-, wichtigste or oberste. For example, the English term "Chief Executive Officer" follows this pattern. The CEO is the most important executive officer. He's also your boss, yes, but the word "chief" here means Haupt-. "Chief" can also translate to Häuptling, but that's not very common.

It doesn't help that several English magazines, most prominently, The Economist, use the word "chief" to refer to CEOs. But here, "chief" is really like an abbreviation, or Abkürzung, for CEO. This is of course okay (I don't dare correct The Economist), but it can be confusing. Just remember, the guy you work for is your boss, and not your chief.

By the way, I'm sure you know, but a "chef" is a cook.

2. Fabric
"Fabric" is "material". Stoffe. A Fabrik is a "factory". Simple enough.

3. Fine
This is our first false friend that isn't really a false friend. Not exactly.

Most of the time, the English word "fine" doesn't really mean the same thing as the German word fein. "Fine" usually has a more neutral meaning. When you ask someone how they feel, and they say they're "fine", that doesn't mean much. It's the same as saying "okay". Nothing special. So when you tell me you want to have a barbecue this weekend "if the weather is fine", it might be better to say "if the weather is good". "Fine" isn't an ideal. It's just "okay".

The exception is when "fine" comes directly before the noun. When we talk about "fine food", "fine dining" or "fine wine", then that actually is something really good. But that's not so common, especially in everyday spoken language.

4. Invite
Okay, this isn't really a false friend at all. But the English word "invite" really means just one thing: to ask someone to come with you. The German einladen can mean other things.

"Invite" doesn't really mean to pay for someone. The verb for that is "to treat". If the bill comes, and I say "I'm inviting you", that doesn't really mean anything. I could invite you out for a drink, but I don't have to pay for you. If I don't, I might be an asshole, but that's because of social convention, not because of the meaning of the word. If we're offering to pay, we say "It's on me" or "My treat!" Nothing with the word "invite". "Invite" really just means that I'd like you to be there with me.

5. Great
Okay. This is also not really a false friend. But it's used wrongly all the time.

"Great" means something is really good. That's about it. Very, very occasionally, it might mean that something is groß, or really big, but not very often. Normally in older books.

Think of it this way: Helmut Schmidt was great. Helmut Kohl was big.

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That's it for now. Tomorrow we'll have part 2 of word order. Don't get too excited.

Things more important than tenses #3: Word order (Part one)

2010-01-09T19:06:00.006+01:00

Wortstellung ist sehr wichtig. Wenn man nutzt die falsche Wortstellung, man klingt ziemlich doof.

If you speak German, then the last sentence sounded really, really bad. If you German speak don't, sounded the last sentence as bad as this one.

I don't know why, but the topic of word order is not often taught by teachers, and a lot of grammar books ignore the subject. But students make mistakes with it all the time, and like false friends and phrasal verbs, it's a more important topic than tenses.

For example, take a look at these two sentences:

I have been to the cinema last weekend.

I was last weekend at the cinema.

These sentences are both wrong. The first sentence has the wrong tense, and the second has the wrong word order. This may be a matter of opinion, but I think the second sentence, with the wrong word order, sounds much worse.

English sentences are constructed in the following order:

SUBJECT - VERB - OBJECT - how? - where? - when?

English is very strict about word order, because we have no clear nominative, accusative or dative cases. To say "The dog bit the man" in German, you could say either Den Mann biss der Hund or Der Hund biss den Mann. English is not so flexible, because the articles don't tell us who is doing the action to who.

The most important points here are these:

1. Your verbs need to stay together.
Last month, I had a student tell me this: "I have been three times shot." Now, obviously this person has other problems. But he can still try to get the word order right. This sentence has a verb with three words: "have", "been", and "shot". They need to stay together.

For Germans, this mistake comes from the fact that in German, one verb comes in the second position in the sentence, and the rest go to the end. We English speakers find this strange, because the verb is probably the most important part of the sentence, and so we think it should all go up at the front.

BRETT: Gestern Nacht habe ich diese blonden Zwillinge stundenlang in meiner Wohunung....
ADAM: Holy shit!
BRETT: ...Englisch gelehrt.

The most important part is at the end! That's crazy. In English we would say it like this:

Last night I taught these blond twins in my apartment for hours.

And this way, Adam isn't disappointed.

2. Times go to the end or the beginning. Never, ever, ever in the middle.
In German, words for "tomorrow" or "every week" usually go somewhere in the middle of the sentence. English is completely different. Nomally, they should be the last thing in the sentence (or clause). This is probably the most common mistake. So again, say "I went to the cinema last weekend", never "I went last weekend to the cinema."

3. If there's an object in your sentence, it needs to come after the verb.
You can sometimes put words like "tomorrow" at the beginning of your sentence, but your object always has to go in the same place: after the verb. There are no exceptions. If you start your sentence by saying "I saw", the next thing in your sentence has to be the thing that you saw. Nothing else.

That's really about it. There is more to this, and we'll discuss it more in the future (or in comments, if you like), but remembering these three points--

Your verbs need to stay together.
Times go to the end or the beginning. Never, ever, ever in the middle.
If there's an object in your sentence, it needs to come after the verb.

--you'll make a lot less mistakes.

One other thing to remember, though, is that a lot of adverbs come before the main verb--words like "only", "already" or "always", for example. There are some other rules about this, but we'll save them for later.

Small site update

2010-01-08T15:27:00.001+01:00

All links in my blog entries should now open in new windows/tabs. Sorry it wasn't that way before!

How to be a better student

2010-01-07T20:31:00.013+01:00

Today I had class with my favorite student, who I will call “Hans”.

Hans really cares about improving his English, and has made a lot of progress in the last few months. But I hadn't seen him for a few weeks, because of the holidays, and I had expected that he wouldn't sound very good today. But to my surprise, his English sounded better than ever! He had done a lot of work at home in the three weeks without a lesson. He had translated the Robbie Williams song "Bodies" into German and made a lot of vocabulary cards. He learned the words on the cards, and then we checked together that he understood how to use them in a correct context.

I would like it if more of my classes were like this, where the students would do self-study during the week and then use the class as an opportunity for revision and speaking practice. Unfortunately, a lot of students want lectures on tenses, or aren't interested in teaching themselves new words during the week.

It's important that you do these things for yourself, because there are a lot of things teachers can't do. We can't really teach you vocabulary. We can explain what a word means, and we can check that you've learned it, but you have to do most of the work. I can't put a list of words in your head in a 90-minute class. Even in a two-week intensive class, I can't be sure the words you learned will stay there. Using flash cards, or flash card software is a good idea.

Other things you can do:

READ THIS BLOG
Of course I would say that. But again, the aim of this blog is to discuss English concepts in a way you won't find in other places. For example, tomorrow we'll be talking about word order, which is a very important but often ignored subject. And if you have questions, or would like to see a topic discussed here, just let me know in the comments section.

SING ALONG WITH MUSIC
My German is far from perfect, but it's not bad (B2 level), and I taught myself nearly everything. I used some grammar books, but I learned most of my German by translating my favorite German-language songs into English. I still use lots of words and phrases I learned from Einstürzende Neubauten (Irgendwas ist immer, Gewöhnungsbedürftigt). I've even learned grammar from music. I like a song called “Kein Problem” by a group called Melotron, and almost every line begins with “Jeder weiß, dass...” For example, “Jeder weiß, dass die Zeit nur die Wunde heilt, die keinen Dreck in sich enthält”. From this I learned that after the word dass, the verb has to go to the end.

Singing along also helps you get a feel for the language, and can do wonders for your pronunciation. My German pronunciation isn't perfect, but I think it's better than that of most American German speakers, thanks to Einstürzende Neubauten.

READ SPOTLIGHT
Really, it only costs about €6, and it's worth more than every penny. It's possible that not every article will be interesting to you, but you'll pick up a lot of vocabulary without needing a dictionary, and the language section in the back does an excellent job of explaining concepts.

FIND AN IRISH PUB
Irish pubs are often half-filled with native English speakers, and if you go on a night when they have a quiz, it's a great opportunity to hear and speak English for a night. And as we all know, alcohol helps.

READ BOOKS
Try to find a novel that you think you can read without too much help from a dictionary. And when you read, don't look up every word you don't know, or you may get frustrated quickly. I like to recommend “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time” to my students (you can find it under “Meine Favoriten” on the right side of the page. The story is written for adults, but is told from the persecptive of an autistic teenager, and so the language is often a little more direct than other novels. I've had low-level students manage to read through it. Also, it's a very funny book and has short chapters (but a lot of pages), so you can put it down when you need to.

BUY A TEXTBOOK
Here I will also make some recommendations. Much of this is my opinion of course, but I would recommend NOT buying “business English” course books that try to do too much. These can sometimes be useful in a class, but they're not usually good for self-study, and a lot of them don't include answers. They want you to buy the “Teacher's Edition” for that.

I can recommend a few good books, though, which are listed under “Meine Favoriten”. For general grammar, “Grammar No Problem” is excellent for Germans. A lot of other grammar books have a “Deutsche Ausgabe”, but “Grammar No Problem” is written for Germans. The authors do a good job of comparing the logic of English grammar to the logic of German grammar. If I have to give grammar homework to a class, I usually use this book. It's published by Cornelsen, and I should add that Cornelsen generally makes excellent English books. (And no, I do not work for them!)

Another good grammar book is “Business Grammar Builder” by Paul Emmerson. This book is entirely in English, but it is very extensive and covers almost every subject a grammar book should. (Although like most textbooks, there isn't enough about word order.) In my classes, I don't use any grammar books aside from this one and “Grammar No Problem”, unless I'm teaching complete beginners.

The third book I'll recommend is also by Paul Emmerson (no, I am not Paul Emmerson! He just writes good books!). It's called “Email English”. It discusses emailing of course, but also lots of other topics that are important for speaking as well. It's such a great book that lazy teachers everywhere often copy a chapter from the book to use in class when they have no other ideas. Highly recommended.

SLEEP WITH YOUR TEACHER
This is almost as good as Spotlight magazine. It depends on the teacher, of course.

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I'll be back tomorrow with the third thing that's more important than tenses: Word order.

Words you should use correctly. #1: “Fuck”

2010-01-06T16:23:00.019+01:00

After that boring (but important) discussion of phrasal verbs, I thought I would make it up to you today and look at a word that causes a lot of problems for English learners: “Fuck”.

Let's look at a few ways this word can be used.

1. “FUCK” AS A VERB

To “fuck” someone (or something) is to have sex with them (or it). You probably know that already. And of course, in the imperative, we use “fuck” to say that we don't like something. For example:

“Fuck Berlitz! They're too expensive, and their teachers just teach out of books!”

But of course, there are also some phrasal verbs using the word “fuck”.

To “fuck up” or to “fuck something up” usually means to do something badly, or in the wrong way, or to make a mistake:

“I took out €200, but the bank fucked up and took €400 from my account.”

“I think I fucked up my back playing Wii Tennis last night....”

But to “fuck somebody up” is different. It means to hurt somebody, badly:

“If you call your mobile a “handy” again, I swear I will fuck you up.”

To “fuck off” means to leave suddenly:

WAITRESS: That English teacher just fucked off without paying his bill!
WAITER: Maybe he works for Berlitz. I heard they don't pay very well.

Most of the time we use "fuck off" as an order, meaning “please go away”:

WOMAN: Hey, the new Twilight movie is out. We should go see it.
MAN: Fuck off.

2. “FUCK” AS AN ADJECTIVE/ADVERB

Now, this is an area where a lot of English learners make mistakes. The first thing you need to understand about the adjective (and sometimes adverb) “fucking” is that it is usually neutral. It's not really negative:

This “Indie English” blog is fucking amazing!

This is the best fucking whiskey I've ever tasted! I think I can survive another day of teaching!

In both of these cases, “fucking” is just making the positive adjectives “amazing” and “best” stronger. It's a lot like the word “damn” (verdammt), but better. You could even say this:

This fucking “Indie English” blog is amazing!

Even here, “fucking” is still just making a positive statement sound stronger. And of course, we also use it to make negative statements sound stronger.

Mario Barth is the worst fucking comedian I've ever heard. What's that, Mario? Men and women are different? What a brilliant fucking observation. I can't believe nobody's ever fucking noticed that before. Fuck off.

A lot of Germans think that the adjective “fucking” is the same as putting Scheiß- before a noun. But that's not always true. It would not be enough to say Mario Barth is a “fucking comedian”. That wouldn't really mean anything. Bill Cosby is a “fucking comedian” too. A good fucking comedian, not like Mario Barth, who is a bad fucking comedian. If you want to say something negative, you normally need another word somewhere that does that job.

Mario Barth is not fucking funny.

Lord of the Rings is the most boring fucking movie series ever.

Sometimes you don't need a clear positive or negative word. But only when it's clear to everyone that something is good or bad:

Hey, look what I found on the train! Five hundred fucking euros!

TIM: Look what my girlfriend got me for Christmas: tickets to see Mario fucking Barth.
MICHAEL: Shit. What did you say?
TIM: I told her it's over.

In the first example, everybody knows finding €500 is a good thing, so adding “fucking” just shows how excited you are about it. In the second example, everybody knows Mario Barth is not funny, so adding “fucking” makes your anger and disappointment sound stronger. I should also add that in the first example, “fucking” is also expressing surprise. The word is often used in this way. For example, I woke up on 26 June, 2009 to find this message on Facebook:

What the fuck? Fucking Michael Jackson is dead!

This person likes Michael Jackson, so it wasn't a negative comment, only one of surprise. “What the fuck” is also used to express surprise or confusion.

To summarize this important point, “fucking” only makes a sentence more intense or passionate. It doesn't make it negative. To make a statement sound positive or negative, you normally have to use other words, and show your feelings in your voice.

There are two other major uses of “fuck” as an adjective. The first is “fucked up”, which has a few different, but similar, meanings.

“I opened an email attachment I shouldn't have opened and now my computer's fucked up.”

In this case, “fucked up” means something is wrong with the computer.

“I got fucked up last night and texted my ex....”

Here, “fucked up” means that the person had drunk too much, or had been taking drugs.

“You asked her if she was pregnant? That's really fucked up!”

In this last example, “fucked up” means “not very nice”, or “mean”.

The last adjective is “fucked”:

My plane leaves in three hours and I can't find my fucking passport. I'm fucked.

To be “fucked” is to be in a bad situation.

3. “FUCK” AS A NOUN

The most vulgar use of “fuck” is probably as a noun, meaning “a sexual encounter”, or “a person I have sex with”, as in “that was a great fuck”, or “she talks too much, but she's a great fuck”.

You can also call a person a “fuck” even if you don't have sex with them, though this is usually only used for men we don't like.

“I flew 12 hours to San Francisco and had to sit next to this fat fuck.”

“Fuck you, you fucking fuck.”

The other common use of “fuck” as a noun is the word “motherfucker”. Like a lot of the other above uses, this can be positive or negative. Also, it's normally only used for men.

“He is one funny motherfucker.”

“He is one ugly motherfucker.”

There you go, a positive example, and a negative one.

I once had a flatmate say to me, “You are a real motherfucker.” I knew she was angry, so I could figure out what she meant, but her sentence didn't mean very much. Am I a funny motherfucker? A smart motherfucker? A good-looking motherfucker? (Yes, yes, and yes.) It would have been better for her to say “You are such a selfish motherfucker”, or simply “You motherfucker!” “You motherfucker” is generally negative.

4. “FUCK!”

The last use of “fuck” I'll discuss here is one you probably know.

Fuck!

This is really just the same as saying “Oh no”. Simple enough.

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A final note on “fuck”. Be careful with it. Jokes, slang and bad words are all difficult to use in a foreign language, and can take a long time to learn. And if you're trying to sound funny or angry, using the word "fuck" wrong could ruin everything. This is another area where novels and films can help. I recommend Martin Scorsese and Quentin Tarantino.

Things more important than tenses. #2: Phrasal Verbs

2010-01-06T01:06:00.012+01:00

Do you ever read English sentences where you can understand every word, but still have no idea what the meaning is? There’s a good chance that you may be dealing with a phrasal verb.

A phrasal verb is a verb with more than one word. Like a verb with an adverb (e.g. “pick up”) or a verb with a preposition (e.g. “talk about”). The German language doesn’t have these; instead it has “separable verbs” like abholen (z.B. Er holt die Kinder ab.).

This can be a difficult point for English learners. There are thousands of phrasal verbs. Thousands. And we use them all the time. For example, instead of “pick up”, we could say things like “collect”, “retrieve”, or “fetch”, but we rarely do. We almost always say “pick up”. You may know the words “pick up”, but there are thousands of other phrasal verbs that you probably don’t know. Teachers don't talk about this subject very often because there are so many phrasal verbs to teach, and as a result, a lot of students don't know how important this really is. Just to look at the word “get”, how many of these phrasal verbs do you know?

Get up
Get down
Get in
Get out
Get on
Get on with
Get off
Get off on
Get to
Get on
Get on with
Get through
Get by
Get together
Get around
Get around to
Get over
Get over with
Get away
Get away with

Again, that’s just the word “get”. And that’s not all of the phrasal verbs for “get”. And some of the above phrasal verbs have more than one meaning. And we use these all the time. There’s a lot to learn here.

And unfortunately, I can’t really teach you these. Phrasal verbs, like all vocabulary, is a subject you mostly have to teach yourself. You can learn them by reading books, studying, listening, and practicing. There are some good textbooks on this topic, like English Phrasal Verbs in Use, which you’ll find on my Amazon link on the right side of this page. It doesn’t have every phrasal verb in English (for example, “fuck off” isn’t in there), but it’s an excellent way to learn a lot of the common ones.

But while phrasal verbs are really a vocabulary issue, there is a little grammar involved.

Phrasal verbs usually consist of a verb with an adverb. In these constructions, pronouns are too weak to stand on their own and normally have to go between the verb and the adverb. For example:

He’s picking up the kids.

He’s picking the kids up.

He’s picking them up.

These are all okay. But this one is not:

He’s picking up them.

The pronoun “them” can’t be by itself after the phrasal verb. It has to be in the middle. This can be confusing. For example, the Norwegian pop group a-ha never got this right. Their song “Take On Me” should have been called “Take Me On”. “Take on me” doesn’t make any sense in English. Remember that whenever you hear the song.

Pronouns like “it”, “something”, “them”, or “you” normally can’t come after a phrasal verb that has an adverb. The pronoun needs to come in the middle. A-ha never learned this. Try to do better.

There are also phrasal verbs that consist of a verb and a preposition, like "talk about". These kinds of phrasal verbs are never separated. Prepositions always take objects, and so the words always stay together. So this sentence:

Can you look after my dog while I'm away?

is correct. And this one:

Can you look my dog after while I'm away?

is not. Again, if there's a preposition like "to", "on", or "after" in the phrasal verb, it can't be separated.

I won’t be recommending very many books on this blog (most English books are a bit shit), but I’ve put two recommendations on the side that discuss this subject. And phrasal verbs are a good topic if you want to invest in a book and have the time and interest to study, because again, teachers can't really teach you vocabulary like this. Or, of course, you can read more English novels, watch more English movies, and talk to more (native) English speakers. It takes more time, but it is more fun.

Things more important than tenses. #1: False Friends (Part 1)

2010-01-05T03:42:00.006+01:00

So, we already talked about why tenses aren’t the most important part of learning English, and how making mistakes with them is not usually such a big problem.

The most serious problems are the ones that cause you to be misunderstood. And one of the biggest sources of this is false friends.

If you don’t know, false friends are words that look like words in your own language, but have completely different meanings in English. The best known of these for Germans is of course the word “become”, which does not mean bekommen.

Unlike a lot of other typical mistakes, using a false friend will usually completely ruin your sentence. The only people who will understand you are people who already speak your language. I have friends and students who speak excellent English, and get the tenses right most of the time, but still make mistakes with these words all the time. I don’t usually like correcting my friends’ English, and I only make the exception with false friends. I always apologize afterwards (we’ll talk about politeness another time), but I know this topic is too important to ignore.

So, from time to time, I’ll be discussing a few false friends, concentrating on the most important ones, and the ones that are least discussed. Today, we’ll look at five.

actual = tatsächlich | aktuell = current

This word has more or less the same meaning as “genuine”, “real”, or “true”. In German, it would usually be tatsächlich, eigentlich, or wirklich. The German word aktuell normally translates to “current”.

branch = Filiale | Branche = industry, sector

This one is a little bit tricky. But normally, when talking about business, the German word Branche usually translates to "industry", "sector", or "trade". For example the Autobranche would be the automobile industry. In business, a "branch" is normally a Filiale. For example, "No bank has more branches in Hamburg than Hamburger Sparkasse."

eventually = schließlich, irgendwann | eventuell = possibly, maybe, perhaps

Another tricky one. The English word “eventually” doesn’t translate to any one German word. It means “after some time”, and has nothing to do with eventuell. For example, “I had too much coffee yesterday and was up really late, but eventually I was able to get to sleep.” Here the word would translate to schließlich. After some time I was able to get to sleep. But we can also use it for the future. “Eventually I would like to live in Berlin.” This means I definitely want to live in Berlin, but not yet. Sometime in the future.

irritated = geärgert, genervt | irritiert = confused

Important one. One of my colleague’s students told some customers he was “irritated” when he meant “confused”. Not good. Remember this one. The most dangerous mistakes are the ones that still sound correct, but have a different meaning to what you want to say.

public viewing

This is just a strange one. When Germans go out to watch football on a big screen outside, they call it a “public viewing”. In English, a “public viewing” more often refers to when people are invited to look at the body of a dead person, or in German, an öffentliche Aufbahrung.

That's all for now. There are lots of longer lists of these all over the internet, and it would be a good idea to check them out. A lot of these lists have some questionable entries, so be sure to double-check with a good dictionary, like dict.cc.

Tenses: Not Quite as Important as You Think

2009-12-27T23:04:00.016+01:00

In my experience, there are a lot of English learners who really like to worry about tenses. Many are happy to sit through lesson after lesson of nothing but tenses. They think that if they can just understand the tenses a little better, they’ll finally sound like native speakers.

This seems to be especially true here in Germany. The German language has far fewer verb forms than English. Ich gehe can translate to “I go”, “I’m going”, “I’ve been going”, “I’m going to go”, or “I’ll go”. And this is good for teachers, because tenses are very easy for us to teach. We know how they work (well, some of us), and you don’t. So if I’m a shitty teacher, I look very competent when I show how easy it is for me to explain the present perfect tense.

Ah, the present perfect. Students ask about it all the time, textbooks use dozens of pages to explain it—it must be very important, right?

No, not really.

Most of the time, if you use the wrong tense, we can still understand you fine. If a student tells me “I have been to the cinema last weekend”, the tense (present perfect) is completely wrong, but I don’t have to think at all to know what they're saying. (They should have said "I went to the cinema last weekend.") There are a million things more important than tenses, and you shouldn’t spend so much time worrying about them.

Of course it’s better to use the tenses correctly, and it’s not always hard to do. We’ll talk about some of the tenses in future articles. But even if you’re really bad at tenses, it’s not hard to go around them.

When I started learning German, I had a difficult time with all the different German words for “the”—the masculine “der”, the feminine “die”, and the neuter “das”. Like verb forms for English speakers, der/die/das comes naturally to German speakers, but learners have to memorize everything. Fortunately, there are little rules that help us. For example, only 20% of German words are neuter, so if you don’t know the gender of the noun, you should try one of the other two. There are lots of other rules like this which native German speakers don’t know or need.

And it’s the same with English tenses. Again, I’ll do some proper lessons on tenses later, but for now, here are some helpful suggestions to help you make less mistakes.

1. DON’T USE “-ING” TOO MUCH
A lot of English learners use continuous tenses much too often. They seem to think that the more they say “-ing”, the more English they sound. But this is a big mistake.

In English, we use simple forms far more often than we use continuous forms. It’s not even close. For example, you probably know that the present simple (I go) is normally used to describe facts and routines. The present continuous (I’m going) is normally used to describe unfinished actions in progress, like “I’m smoking a cigarette.” I don’t know how often you tell people what you’re doing at the moment (“I’m watching The Simpsons! I’m having another beer! I’m cleaning my toilet!”), but most of us speak much more often about facts. And statistics show that yes, we use the present simple a lot more than the present continuous.

There have been many studies of how often different verb forms are used. They all have some different results, but they show that we use the present simple about 10-15 times more often than the present continuous. When you look at the past simple (I went) and the past continuous (I was going), the difference is even bigger. We don’t use the past continuous very often at all, actually. I know it’s right there in the early chapters of your grammar book, but trust me, we don’t use it nearly as often as the past simple. In fact, together, we use the present simple and past simple for more than half of what we say.*

So if you’re uncertain about tenses, that’s okay. But for now, don’t overuse “-ing”.

2. WE USE THE PAST SIMPLE MORE THAN THE PRESENT PERFECT

Explaining the difference between these two tenses is one of the English teacher's Greatest Hits, always popular with students. We'll get to it another day, but for now, just know that we use the past simple far, far more often. About three or four times more often. And the Americans use it even more than the British.*

And again, any time you're talking about "yesterday", "last night", "last year", or any other finished time, you're probably going to use the past simple, and almost certainly not the present perfect. Which brings me to my next point.

3. USE ADVERBS
When you learn tenses, you usually learn a big list of “key words” or “signal words” that are often used with certain tenses. For example, words like “yet”, “already” and “so far” are usually used with the present perfect tense. If you’re not sure about what tense you should use, use adverbs like these to make clear what you mean. If the tense is a little bit wrong, it should still be understandable.

4. DON’T THINK TOO MUCH
If you’re really not sure, don’t stop to think too much. It’s better to be fast and wrong than perfect but slow. And it’s very bad to think for five seconds and then say something crazy like “I was been gone to the cinema”.

(Just so I don't confuse anyone "was been gone" isn't any kind of correct English form. But I hear this stuff a lot from people who think too hard.)

5. AT LEAST TRY
If you’re talking about the past, use a past tense. Probably the past simple. Don’t tell me “I go to the cinema last weekend.” That’s terrible. If you’re talking about the future, don’t say “I go to the cinema tomorrow.” That’s terrible. Use a future form. Even if it’s wrong, it’s better than nothing.

So there you go. If you have a basic understanding of the tenses but still make mistakes, concentrate on this: don’t overuse –ing, use adverbs to help communicate what you mean, and don’t use a form that’s obviously wrong. If you can follow these guidelines, you'll probably get it right most of the time, and you'll be correctly understood almost all of the time.

We’ll come back to tenses later, but first I want to talk about some of the many things that are more important than tenses, and we’ll get to that in the next lesson.

*I got my information about tense use frequency from some online sources as well as some books I have about English (e.g. The Cambridge Encyclopedia of the English Language).

How People Become English Teachers

2009-12-22T21:58:00.013+01:00

There are lots of good English teachers out there, and lots of shitty ones. But all of them have one thing in common: They did not plan to become an English teacher.

None of them.

Let me tell you a story.

“Sarah” is an Australian girl who studied city planning. One summer, she took a holiday in South Africa, and fell in love with a German named, oh, let's say “Hans”.*

After the holiday, they stay in touch on Facebook and in email, and visit each other in Germany and in Australia. But after some time, they realize they need to live in the same country. But where will they live? Germany, or Australia?

SARAH: Let's find a nice place here in Sydney....

HANS: Nee.

SARAH: Why not? The weather is so much better here.

HANS: Die Bäckereien sind doch Scheiße.

SARAH: Who cares? It's just bread.

Hans says he'll never move to Australia, and so Sarah finally decides to move to Germany. And when she gets there, the Ausländerbehörde won't let her be a city planner, and there's only one option left for her: teach English.

This is more or less how everyone becomes an English teacher. I never wanted to teach English. I like language, I studied it in university, but I never wanted to teach German bankers how to write a Flussladeschein in English. I moved to Hamburg because this asshole was re-elected President in 2004. And like Sarah, the only job available to me was English teacher.

But before you can become an English teacher, you normally have to take a CELTA course. This is a four-week course that costs about €1,500-2,000, and will give you all the qualification you need to teach English as a foreign language. In English, this is called a “shakedown”. This is when you pay money for something that's completely useless, but is necessary to continue with what you want to do. If you have ever dealt with police in Russia or Mexico, then you know what a shakedown is.

I learned nothing in my CELTA course, and no teacher I've talked to learned anything in their CELTA course. But it's very helpful when you want to get a job so you don't have to leave your European girl/boyfriend. I don't remember anything that happened in the course, but I do know they didn't teach us anything about the English language. You have to know that already, or learn it yourself.

I also know that only 3% of the people who take a CELTA course fail. One of my teacher friends had a German in her class. He made lots of basic English mistakes, and the CELTA people knew he would fail, but it's €1,500 for them, so they let him join the course and be one of the three percent. That's really the only way to fail the course: Speak bad English.

So, you finish your course, get a job, and then realize you don't know what you're doing. The first several classes are difficult, but over time, you become a good teacher. Or you don't. Either way, you do it for a long time, because you have no choice.

The point is, your English teacher probably didn't plan to have the job they have. That doesn't mean they're bad. I'm a good teacher, but it's because I've learned to care about my job, and make sure I know what I'm talking about. But there are lots and lots of bad teachers out there, and they probably know they're not good. But their students probably don't.

I've taught at a lot of schools where I saw teachers, five minutes before class, panicking at the photocopier, thinking “Oh my god, what am I going to do with them today?” I never do this. But at least half of the teachers I've worked with didn't think English teaching was their real job. They're always looking for something “better” to do, and don't really care about their work. They would just go into class, week after week, with a random lesson about tenses, or something from breakingnewsenglish.com**, a website with ready-made lessons for lazy teachers. And if a student has a spontaneous question about the language, they're usually not ready.

So the next time you're in an English class, ask yourself the following questions:

How much of this could you be teaching yourself?
Having a good textbook is a good way to learn some of the basics in English: the tenses, basic vocabulary, etc. Bad teachers (or new teachers) usually have to learn from the textbook, and then present the textbook to you. You don't need them for that.
It's good for a teacher to be entertaining, but is your teacher more than an entertainer?
In my classes, my students usually find me funny, charming, intelligent, and good-looking. But that's not enough. You also have to know your job. And I do.
Is this really a good teacher, or could anybody be teaching this class?
Can you teach a language class about your native language? Probably not. But nobody wants to learn your native language. Lots of people want to learn English. And so there are a lot of native speakers out there who can get jobs as teachers just because there is so much demand.

What kind of teacher do you have?

Just something to think about....

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*In English, all German men are called “Hans” or “Fritz”
**This is actually an okay website for teachers, but not to use every week. It's better for students who want free online vocabulary lessons.

An Introduction

2009-12-22T20:12:00.005+01:00

Welcome to Indie English!

After teaching English in Germany for five years, I've decided to start a blog where I can write down my many, many frustrations. I'm writing this blog in the hope that it will allow me to drink less, and allow others to improve their English and stop wasting their money on schools and books that don't work.

This blog is here for three major reasons:

1. I'm tired of hearing people speak shitty English.
Really. I know English is not always an easy language, but there are some very basic tips that can help you sound a lot better, and quickly. If you're ready to make an effort, I'm happy to help. We'll talk about common mistakes and misunderstandings, and I'll also be explaining some important points in English that are often ignored by students, teachers and books. And I'll do what I can to keep it clear and simple.

Of course, if you speak shitty English, it might not be your fault. You have probably had English teachers that don't know what they're talking about, and you have probably read books that waste page after page talking about the present perfect tense, as if it's the most important part of English. I won't be doing that here. I'm better than those teachers and those books. In addition to the instructional posts, I'll also discuss ways to improve your learning.

2. I'm tired of Big English.
In the United States, we say “Big Oil” to talk about the big bad oil industry. We say “Big Tobacco” to talk about the big bad tobacco industry. And I will use the phrase “Big English” to discuss the big bad English industry.

Teaching people English is big business, and wherever there is big business, there is usually a lot of bullshit. And I can tell you from experience that there is a lot of bullshit in Big English. There are big chain schools that write meaningless reports for corporate clients and dishonestly raise students' levels (from A2+ to B1-, maybe) to make those clients happy. There are thousands of teachers who know little about English, or about teaching, and chose the job simply because they want to live in a new country. And there are countless books that explain concepts badly or contain information that is simply incorrect. We will be looking at a lot of this stuff, so that you can avoid wasting money and time on them. That's why this blog is called “Indie English”. It's the opposite of all that.

in·die (ĭn'dē)
n. Informal
1.One, such as a studio or producer, that is unaffiliated with a larger or more commercial organization.

3. I want people to pay attention to me.
This is the only reason anybody does anything on the Internet.

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Because I teach in Germany, I will have German learners of English in mind when I write, but most of it will apply to anyone who has a fair working knowledge of English.

This blog will be written in fairly simple English. Germans, when you come across a word you don't know, just look it up at dict.cc or dict.tu-chemnitz.de. Please do not use dict.leo.org. It's useless. They offer 20-30 definitions, with no context, and in alphabetical order. Every week I have a student use a word in a stupid way because they got it from Leo. Stop using it.

So, I hope you find Indie English to be useful and entertaining, and if you have questions or suggestions, or if you would like to see something discussed here in the blog, let me know in the comments section or in an email....

Enjoy!